Attachment and adoption…. a New Frontier

There are usually a lot of questions and concerns about attachment between parents and newly adopted children. Many children often come with backgrounds of abuse, neglect, or a feeling of ambiguous loss and these experiences can often leave children feeling scared, vulnerable, and unable to trust.  All of these aspects can make attachment difficult but we will talk about some of the things that adoptive parents can do to help their newly adopted children overcome these hurdles and begin to cultivate a secure attachment to each other.

Riley and Meeks in their book, Beneath the mask: Understanding adopted teens, listed 6 of the most common issues and concerns that teens have and can keep them from becoming securely attached. (Riley & Meeks, 2005)

These are:

·      1. Feeling different (either from the family or specific physical traits)

·      2. Wondering why they were adopted (speculating if they were given away)

·      3. Not having information about birth parents

·      4. Being uncertain of personal identity

·      5. Wanting to be loyal to adopted parents/family but curious about birth parents/family

·      6. Scared that being ‘abandoned’ could happen again

All of these issues can hold children and teens back and one of the best ways to overcome them is to participate in counseling. Most adoption agencies will require the continuation of counseling that has been occurring for children waiting to be adopted.  Counseling can help adopted children talk about the feelings they are having and can help them understand them. (Singer, 2008)

Ambiguous loss can really be difficult for some kids. They haven’t lost someone to actual death, but they have been given away or have been taken away from a parent that they have bonded with. This is another issue that can be overcome through therapy.

Another way to overcome these roadblocks is to be open to children about talking about their birth parents. In cases of abuse, it would be advisable to talk to a counselor about when this would be most appropriate.  (Singer, 2008)

-Kaela J.

Riley, D. B., & Meeks, J. (2005). Beneath the mask: Understanding adopted teens. Silver Spring, MD: The Center for Adoption Support and Education.

Singer, E. (2008). Assisting Adoptive Families: Children Adopted at Older Ages. Pediatric Nursing, 34(2), 170-173.